Photo Credit: Eur ThisNThat

Cougars beware. As more and more boomers and women over 40 are embracing the cougar woman stereotype, we need to interrupt your predatory stalk for a word of caution.  The cubs are on the prowl and have you on their radar as easy prey.  So read up, be wise, and know that you’re worth way more than just another notch in his belt and a story to brag about at the bar.

I watched an entertaining yet very concerning episode of Judge Alex this week; 39 year old Mr. Pettus (aka, the Plaintiff) came to court seeking restitution for a loan to his former lover, 59 year old Ms. Blackmond (aka, the defendant). I cringed as Mr. Pettus testified that he and Ms. Blackmomd had met on a chat line and “hooked up” the first night. Ladies, this is not the 70’s Sexual Revolution, Part II. A two headed monster has joined your casual sexcapades. His name is HIV/AIDS and he’s infecting women 50 and over at an alarming rate.

My interest was peaked as Mr. Pettus went on to testify that soon into the relationship Ms. Blackmond began to ask for financial assistance; $759.60 for her utility bill, $126.39 for an alternator, $95 for tires, and $70 for a mechanic, all which he loaned to her.

Ms. Blackmond agreed she owed the money and says the relationship fell apart because Mr. Pettus was controlling and tried to keep tabs on her, “I ain’t letting no man – young, middle-aged, or old – control me!” She stated that soon after the relationship ended, her sister learned that Mr. Pettus was married with children.

When Judge Alex asked Mr. Pettus about his marriage, Mr. Pettus stated that while not divorced, he and his wife had been separated for many years, but that he does have a girlfriend. Further probing by the judge revealed that Mr. Pettus was not only involved with this particular girlfriend now, but during the entire time of his involvement with Ms. Blackmond, neither knowing about the other.

Now pay close attention and read very carefully the next two questions and answers between Judge Alex and Mr. Pettus.

Judge Alex – “Mr. Pettus, were you in love with Ms. Blackmond.”

Mr. Pettus – “No.”

Judge Alex – “What kind of relationship did you have with her?”

Mr. Pettus – “It should have been a hit it, quit it, and don’t babysit it!”

…a hit it! Quit it! And don’t babysit it! And as twisted as it is, in his complaint Mr. Pettus writes, “A part of me wants to get back with Mary (Ms. Blackmond), but I want my money.”

Ms. Blackmond, pay the man! Judgment for the Plaintiff!!

Photo Credit: Eur ThisNThat “No Such Thing As A Cougar“

Meet Dr. Mom at the University of Texas

Where would be without the wisdom of women who have gone before us…been there, done that and probably wrote a couple of songs about it. Whether she was our mother, grandmother, TV mother, or like-a-mother those tidbits, nuggets, and pearls of wisdom she passed on were valuable in helping to shape the women we are.

I took a wonderful trip down memory lane recently when I asked a few women about their most memorable mom sayings; and found myself smiling from ear my ear as I recounted the many times I myself had heard “Loose lips sink ships”; “Beauty is as beauty does”; ”What happens in this house – stays in this house”; “Because I’m the mama that’s why”; “What you do in the dark, will come to the light”; “If Anthony jumps off a bridge, are you going to jump too”; “The only thing out after midnight is trouble”;”Keep your dress down and your panties up”; “Don’t do as I do, do as I say do”; “If you can’t think of something nice to say, don’t say anything at all”; “It’s no use crying over spilt milk”; “Misery loves company”; “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”; “I hope you have 5 just like you”; “You’ll understand when you’re older” and; “No matter what, your mother is going to always love you.”

Boy, how we promised ourselves we’d never say these things. But, some promises are meant to be broken and we continue to pass the wisdom from generation to generation.

Somehow mom was never short on advice and shared it openly whether we wanted it or not. Often we just dismissed her ranting’s as “old fashioned” nonsense. It’s not like she was a doctor or anything but she was always dispensing medical advice, like, “Don’t eat that off the floor!” “Go wash your hands!” and “You’re going to eat those vegetables, they’re good for you!” But, turns our mom was right.

She said, “If you have your health, you have everything,” and she knew it was better to try to stave off sickness and disease than to treat it on the back end. Unfortunately, too many of us find ways, NOT to take action….

We don’t like to have our blood drawn, and none of us is a fan of the mammogram. We’re fearful of what those results might be and hide behind things mama said like “What you don’t know won’t hurt you.” Some of us are even walking around here that “It won’t happen to me” way of thinking.

And ooooh the things we do, to avoid getting on that doctor office scale! We convince ourselves we’re way too busy. We “Pooh-Pooh” the symptom, with “Oh, it’s not that serious.” And then we get online and self-diagnose to avoid discussing “embarrassing” topics. But like mom said, “knowledge is power” and so addressing these topics head on allows your physician the opportunity to empower you with causes, treatments and simple lifestyle modifications.

Listen, “Silence is golden” sometimes, but never when it comes to your health. It’s time to put your big girl panties on. Be your own advocate. Remember when mom said “There are no foolish questions!” Ask questions, and if you don’t like the first opinion, ask for a second one!

Action is power!! The day you decide to take action is the day you gain control of your body AND the manageable aspects of your body’s health and well-being.

Namaste!

Moneyblog

It seems these days wherever I turn someone is offering advice on strategic marketing and advertising to baby boomer women. But my BS detector is going “ding”, “ding,” “ding” and the hairs on the back of my neck are standing at full attention. Why? Well it’s the same question ladies of, “Is he marrying me for love or is he marrying me for my money?” Think about it! Just a few short years ago ours was a demographic completely ignored or stereotyped in the industry. In fact, let me just put it out there… television and print media, known for its emphasis on youth and beauty, didn’t give a damn about us boomer women, doing more damage than good by continually exasperating negative or non-existent images of “older” (I prefer “mature”) women on television. Now that the economic tide has shifted, and companies are grappling to get their hands on consumer dollars, the boomer woman is suddenly a HOT commodity; the new “It” girl! But let me share with you something my dad always cautioned against, “Don’t fall for the okey-doke!” And we should all be asking ourselves, is it the value of our person of the value of our purse that has them looking at us with love in their eyes?

Now back to mom’s wisdom, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” It is absolutely imperative that we understand our value as the most influential group of women in society, worthy of respect and recognition. Don’t hand over your assets to just any “Joe” (no pun intended to my first husband) whispering sweet nothings in your ear. If they want something of value from us, they should happily commit something of value to us. If advertisers and marketers want to harness our spending dollars then there are a few things we have the collective power, the right, and the duty to ask, expect, and receive in return. First and foremost, we deserve advertisers and marketers who will depict us in a realistic and positive light; not the way society has historically seen us; as old-fashioned, confused of thought, arthritic, denture wearers, but as we see ourselves; vibrant, clever, passionate and fun. Next, let’s close the inequality between the sexes. Older men outnumber women on TV but not in real life. In the real world, women live longer and therefore outnumber our aging male counterparts, and we should see those numbers represented in advertising and television. Finally ladies, advertisers have had plenty of laughs at our expense; amusing their audiences with the depiction of older women as nagging, out of touch, incompetent, or even fallen and unable to get up. And the media’s negative influence has had far reaching implications. Since they can’t afford to ignore us, or the power of our purses, the real win-win would be to partner with us. Let’s commit to spend our dollars only with those who commit to invest in us; in our movement to change the way society sees and treats older adults, to improve the overall perception, status, and opportunities for maturing women, and help create post-retirement programs that would assist women in the use of our experience, leadership, skills and talents in ways that would allow us to remain vibrant, productive members of society while still enjoying the leisure of retirement.

Don’t give them an ounce of milk girls, until they commit to preserving the cow!

Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough, DWTS

Calling all boomer women and women over 40! Whether it’s the Bop, the Twist, the Hustle or Break Dancing, we invented dance and, make no mistake about it, can still shake a tail feather with the absolute best of them!

In 13 past seasons of Dancing With the Stars, only two over 40 contestants have claimed a win. Born December 9, 1957, Donnie Osmond was 51 years old when he claimed the coveted Mirror Ball Trophy in 2009. And not only did he dance, but Donnie stunned the Nation when he planted a wet one on the lips of the fiery judge Bruno Tonioli. The kiss went down in history, landing Donnie in the #4 spot of Dancing With the Stars Top 10 List of Most Shocking Moments.

In season 11 we transitioned from shock to tears as Jennifer Grey brought on the water works, dancing flawlessly to “These Arms of Mine,” in remembrance of her Dirty Dancing co-star, Patrick Swayze.  Jennifer, born March 26, 1960, was 50 years old when she won Dancing With the Stars in 2010.

Season 14 kicked off last week, on March 19th, and is said to be “…the best opening night in Dancing With the Stars History!” In the midst of this tough competition are 5 over 40 hopefuls: Sherri Shepherd, 44; Melissa Gilbert, 47; Martina Navratilova, 55; Gladys Knight, 67; and Jack Wagoner, 52.

Will one of them win? Only time will tell! But with our collective support, we can certainly do what boomers have always done, and that’s give them a darn good show and a run for the money! Who’s with me?

My mother, born the youngest of nine, is now the only surviving sibling.

Several years ago, she became the caregiver to her eldest brother and his wife, when declining health made it difficult for them to care for themselves, and impossible for them to care for each other.  Driving an hour and a half each way, several days each week, she managed them, their household and their affairs, until they both passed away.  (Please read Caregiver Tax Deductions at AARP)

A short time after, she became the caregiver to a close friend of the family. A gentleman, who had been like a brother to my father, was in poor health and had lost a leg to diabetes. His two children, both with full-time careers and families of their own, had asked mom to take on this responsibility. It would be a tremendous relief for them, to have their loved one be able to remain at home and cared for by a long-time, trusted, friend of the family. Mom was more than happy to oblige. She cared for him 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 2.5 years before he made his final transition.

The family was extremely grateful and word was spreading fast. If you wanted a caring, compassionate caregiver, cook, and cleaning lady for your loved one; my mother was the one to call. And call they did! Less than 3 months later, she had taken on the role again. This time, 3 days per week with a spry and sassy lady her age, who had an active social life, but limited independent mobility.  They enjoyed each other’s company and mom was really enjoying the adventure.  

Taking care of those who are challenged in caring for themselves is tiresome work, but mom found it rewarding work, and rarely mentioned the physical or emotional drain. A great storyteller, she had a way of making her caregiving days sound full of excitement. We looked forward to her tales and hung on to her every word.   

 Who can say exactly when the tumor showed up and made itself at home in her body?  What we do know now is that with was not without its warning signs (wheezing and shortness of breath, chronic cough, hoarseness, lump on neck and unexplained weight loss). Her body spoke to her about the intrusion; quietly at times, screaming at others, bur all the while begging for her attention. Too busy caring for others mom sacrificed her own self-care, and Stage IV Lung Cancer was far too great a price.

Caregiving can be rewarding, but caregivers be warned – take care of you! The most important commitment you can make to anyone you love — is to yourself first.   Make preserving your own health and well-being a priority. Honoring yourself is never a selfish act.

A lesson from my mother.

40+ and Fabulous, FabU Academy

In was a perfect winter morning; a beautiful sun-kissed sky, crisp chill in the air, and  100 women invading Tuscany Gardens in Browns Summit, NC, armed with smiles and positive expectations for an event that would celebrate, encourage and empower women over 40.  Sondra Wright, founder of Forty Plus and Fabulous, LLC, FabU Academy, and author of 40+ and Fabulous: Moving Forward Fierce, Focused and Full of Life kicked off the day with a strong start, beginning with a focus on self-perception, personal power and redefining beauty. As the day progressed and sessions continued, here are some key takeaways and themes that emerged from FabU Academy.

In the opening session, AARP…It’s Not Just for Old People, Audrey Galloway introduced is to today’s AARP, “AARP is no longer about just being retired. We invest heavily in advancing the needs of women,” and Suzanne LaFollette-Black introduced everyone to a new program, “Women like, us. Women like me. Decide. Create. Share. This program is all about empowering women; to ensure women know how to take care of themselves. You must give yourself permission to take care of yourself.” 

The youngest of the events presenters, 10 year old Barrington Briggs, Founder of B’s Club made the point that every woman is imperfectly beautiful “I want women to understand that even though your hair, teeth or weight may not be perfect, that doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful.”

Creativity in Midlife was the theme behind Go Free Pants’ Tina Ketchie Stearns. Tina reminded everyone that God gives people of all ages ideas, not just the young. So don’t be afraid to act. “Listen to your gut, which I believe is God and trust that He’s got you. When you’re passionate about your dreams you’ll gladly go broke trying to make it happen.”

Tina Ketchie-Stearns, GoFree Pants

Estate Planning Attorney, Susan Hunt gave much food for thought with Confidence in Chaos: Caring for Your Aging Parents. Sue drove home the importance of making a plan for your estate. “If you don’t make a plan, the state will make ne for you and you’re probably not going to like it. Your family wills do not need to be kept in a safety deposit box because your executor may not be able to gain access to them when needed.”

The importance of self-care emerged as a powerful theme and breast cancer survivor, Brenda Motley’s personal journey through self-neglect, denial, acceptance, hope, survivor and now educator is truly an inspiration and wake up call to women everywhere.  “I knew I was high risk, but I convinced myself I was too busy to take time out for a breast exam. Make your own well-being a top priority”

Audience volunteers assisted martial arts expert Frank Anderson in demonstrating some simple yet effective self-defense techniques for women.  “If a man is attacking you, you cannot expect to go strength to strength, muscle to muscle with him, but you can learn to use different parts of your body, to defend yourself against his attack.”  Frank empowered women with this reassuring message, “Your body belongs to you and you can protect it!”

Frank Anderson, Self Defense for Women

When it comes to women and fashion, the rules for women over 40 are often conflicting and overwhelming. We don’t want to look like 20 year olds, but you better believe we want to look like the best 40, 60 and 80 year olds that we possibly can. Linda Eistentein of Clothes Befitting uses, not age, but body type styling to create beautiful, confident women – - inside and out.  Linda’s advice to the ladies, “Go out on the limb, and take flight!”

Whether the goal is to build a business, get healthier and more fit, have more satisfying relationships, grow spiritually, or live a more financially responsible life – this simple piece of advice share by Action Coach Mary Ann Hauser applies across the board, “Be x Do = Have. The being is more important than the doing“. Mary Ann suggested an awesome read, The Art of Exceptional Living, by one of my favorites, the late great Mr. Jim Rohn.

Her-Moans: My Hair is Thin, My Butt’s Getting Bigger and I’m Tired!, was Health Coach Audretta Hall’s lively, entertaining, and informative spin on the very real matter of hormones. This was a great look at estrogen imbalance and determining whether your body may be out of balance.  Audi also shared tips for healthy weight management such as “Sweets after a heavy meal turns your body into a fat making machine,” and suggests waiting at least an hour before enjoying that after dinner dessert. I had no idea!

“You’re never too old to become what you might have been.” That’s what Tanya Hutchinson, winner of reality TV’s She’s Got the Look, told me about transitioning her career, away from modeling, at the age of 47.

Remember growing up and the enjoyment you had for music, drawing, tinkering with electronics, dressing up, photography, drama class, or sports? You could spend hours completely lost in doing what you love.

While many took their childhood passions, and morphed them into great careers in their early adult life, there are others still whose talents appear, or reappear, much later in life. Sometimes even in old age.

These fabulous women in history prove my point perfectly:

Grandma Moses – due to painful arthritis, Anna Mary Robertson Moses was forced to abandon a career in embroidery, but she didn’t let that stop her. Grandma Moses, as she is best known for, began a career as an artist at age 76. She became one of America’s best known folk-artists and continued to paint until her death at age 101.

Peg Phillips – began a professional acting career in her late 60′s, and is best known for her role as the storekeeper, Ruth-Anne Miller, on the television series Northern Exposure.

Irene Wells Pennington – the wife of a wealthy oilman, became a 90 something year old business woman, straightening out her husband’s 600 million dollar enterprise, after his mental health began to decline.

Kay Toinette “K. T.” Oslin – country music singer and song writer, released her first, of now 7 albums, at the age of 47.

Laura Ingles Wilder – became a columnist in her 40′s, but it wasn’t until she was 65 that she published her first book, Little House in the Big Woods. This would be the first of her 8-volume Little House series of children’s books.

Melchora Acquino – the peasant woman who, at 84, became a well-known political activist in the Philippine Revolution, to gain independence from the Spanish.

Mary Wesley – wrote her first novel at age 70, and went on to write 10 best sellers before dying at the age of 90.

Wow, these women have certainly inspired me. What have you been dreaming of doing? Is it singing, acting, writing, photography? Well, I’m here to tell you, and show you the proof, that it’s never too late. You’re at the right age NOW, to become all you might have been.

“I could not, at any age, be content to take my place in a corner by the fireside and simply look on.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Slade Smiley, Gretchen Rossi from BravoTV.com

Okay, recapping reality TV shows is not my thing but every now and then something happens that presses my buttons. And so it was with this week’s episode of Housewives of Orange County. The players in my story: Gretchen Rossi, Slade Smiley and Housewife newcomer Heather Dubrow.

The perceived drama started at Vicky’s dinner party, when Heather had the audacity to smile across the table at Gretchen and call her “cute”. I mean really Heather, you just met this woman. How dare you offend her by calling her “cute!”

And Gretchen Rossi, having found the compliment (which from my perspective seemed sincere enough) so utterly offensive, she later reported the transgression to boyfriend Slade.  Slade, being the older and wiser of the two, offered up a real intelligent (or not) explanation for Heather’s 4-letter word slander.

“Let me guess… she’s 43. Because that’s how 40 year olds act when they’re around 30 year olds, because they’re a little jealous of the fact that they used to look like you when they were 30.”

Riddle me this Slade, are you a real life idiot, or do you just play one on TV? In a world where there already exist too many negative male perpetuated messages for women, why would you make such an insensitive generalization about women over 40? In fact, with the majority of your fellow cast members being in this demographic, wouldn’t it be safe to say that women over 40 are the reason you’re even working?

Clearly Dubrow exudes a calm poise and confidence not yet acquired by the 33 year old Rossi. Perhaps a better explanation, Slade, is simply that Mrs. Dubrow is comfortable enough in her own skin to pay another woman a compliment – not always easy for women to do. Conversely, the younger Ms. Rossi, not yet having realized a comparable level of confidence, seeks to look for the underlying meaning behind the compliment, where there is none. As the saying goes, “It is what it is.”

Something positive did come from the exchange however, should Ms. Rossi choose to heed the warning. Girlfriend, your man has already revealed to you his true feelings about women over 40. Give yourself the gift of detaching from this housewife today. 7 years will be here before you know it, and while you would have certainly grown in many ways, including ease, confidence and self control, those don’t sound like qualities Slade is going to value in a jealous, 40-something, has been.

Natalie Cole on the cover of AARP Magazine

Talk about ruining the moment! I was enjoying some time with my younger (40 year old) sister yesterday; reminiscing about where we’ve been, sharing our dreams and hopes for the future, and showering each other with encouragement and support. It was one of those beautiful moments shared between sisters. And all was going well until I opened my mouth and mentioned some great resources I recently discovered through the AARP website. Screech! “AARP!” She screamed. “Isn’t that for old people!?” Hey…who are you calling old?

Unfortunately, her correlation is not uncommon. For those of us who grew up in the 70’s and 80’s AARP was a brand synonymous with aging and the elderly. Its very name, the American Association of Retired Persons, shouted a loud and proud proclamation; “We are here to serve the needs of individuals 65 and over!”  Well, that’s the message we took from it anyway. And there’s no way today’s 40 something’s, who think they’re the new 30 something’s, are going to be caught anywhere near anything intended for the 60 something’s.

However, those willing to take a second look will discover that this it’s no longer your grandfathers AARP. Today’s AARP is not about those who are growing old, but is dedicated instead, to those who are maturing well. And maturing well is about taking a proactive stance to your mental, physical, spiritual, social, emotional, and financial well being.  Following the principle of prevention is better than cure, AARP initiatives like Decide, Create, Share ^SM, aimed to assist women in their 40’s and 50’s in planning and preparing for their future needs, will position them as a global leader in the proactive aging revolution. After all, we’re going to be 65 someday. AARP just prepares us to be 65…FABULOUSLY!

So women 40 and over, here is your assignment. As you’re encouraging others to overcome aging stereotypes, self check constantly to explore, discover, and eradicate your own stereotypical beliefs. Don’t let antiquated views about AARP (or any other organization) keep you in the dark about benefits relevant to you. Go to Decide, Create, Share ^SM today, and begin to discover “YOUR” AARP.

I can only imaging the feeling of satisfaction I get from this purging process has to do with the order and balance it brings to my life; the feeling of really starting the New Year anew. Because I also work from home, each year is always a mixed accumulation of life and work. The New Year welcomes a time for reorder – letting go of the accumulated old.

This type of balance, which I find so essential for my sanity, also hold true for the work we do on our inner selves. Those of us on a personal development journey, after going through the process of accumulating new knowledge, wisdom, and life transformational experiences, must now do the work of transforming and letting go of the old.

Likewise, those of us on a spiritual journey must be willing to purge old habits and the old belief systems that fuel those habits. In speaking with a dear friend this weekend regarding her own spiritual path it became very apparent how not doing the work of letting go of old beliefs, many handed down from our parents or left over from our upbringing, can create havoc in our minds and lives. New spiritual insights and revelations and our old or traditional ways of doing things can not coexist, and therefore leave us feeling weighted down and overwhelmed.

So if a little mindset housekeeping is on your 2012 “to do” list, don’t delay! Transforming old beliefs can happen through a simple daily practice of hitting the delete button on faulty thoughts (“I’m too old to…” “It’s too late for me to…” ) and continue moving those files to the trash bin. This frees up space on your internal hard drive for you to replace them with new thoughts (“I’ve been preparing my whole life for this” “People value and respect my opinion” “Just as I am, I’m more than enough.”

It feels incredible to purge the old and bring natural order and balance back into our lives. If you need some support call a friend to help you get rid of your junk filed. But choose wisely. Now is not the time to call the enabler, nut the one who is honest and willing to help you take out the trash.